(Tom Jirik wrote columns in several newspapers in Iowa from the late 1980’s to the mid 1990’s.)
If you are related, or acquainted or in any way associated with a newswriter or columnist, watch out. You are fair game for us to pick on. In my short career in newspaper work I haven’t picked on any of the fore-mentioned people yet.
If you know me, hold your breath, because here it comes.
This week’s victim is my cousin Patrick.
Pat is a student up at North Dakota State and is studying to be a county extension agent. I’m afraid he is going to be on the wrong side of the desk. The man is a farmer through and through.
At age 23 Pat is an accomplished Entrepreneur and a master of home-grown witticisms. His home-spun humor would shame all masters of the rural barb from Appalachian hillbillies to west-Texas cowboys. The following are some examples.
On religion- Choosing a religion is like buying used farm equipment- you probably have a favorite brand but you pick and choose the best from what’s available.
On studying-Studying is a lot like putting on fertilizer- at first it helps a lot but after awhile you just get to the point of diminishing returns.
On choosing a wife-What I’m going to look for in a wife is a girl with 2,000 acres of good land and enough John Deere equipment to farm it.
On girl-watching-It’s a lot like judging cattle. The first thing you do is look for good physical characteristics.
On studying-I guess you have to make hay when the sun shines even if you have to burn the midnight oil.
On long meetings- you can bale the same field more than once but you won’t get any more hay off of it.
On religion-Religions are like tractors, there are a lot of different kinds out there but when you get right down to it they are all basically alike.
On being bald-I’m not bald, these are my government set-aside acres.
On college chemistry-Chemistry is like farming, you work hard all season, but when it comes to the end it’s just luck that determines whether or not you make a profit.
On house cleaning- It looks like I better file a chapter 11 around here and reorganize.
On a different tangent, I have been hearing quite a little talk about hardy Iowans lately. If I understand things correctly, this is not a typical Iowa winter and true Iowans are naturally indifferent to cold weather. I did notice quite a few complaints last week as the mercury “plummeted” to a minus 15.
On the very same day, in my home town of Mahnomen, Minn., the temperature dropped to –45 degrees. This prompted some locals to remark, “The icicles in the coffeepot are certainly beautiful this morning.”
Stuff that in your stocking caps, hardy Iowans.