I am a landluber.

I am a landluber, not by choice, but by birth, by situation, by twist of fate.

I have swam in the ocean twice in my life.  I have beheld its beauty six times in my thirty-two years.  Even growing up in the land of ten thousand lakes, my family never owned a lake home.  Never fished.  Rarely spent time in, near, or around water.

Yet there is something alluring about it.

When my friend Todd offered me an opportunity to spend an afternoon on his new used sail boat, I leapt at the chance.  Sailing, to a histroy buff, connects us to the brave souls that plied the worlds water for most of the last five thousand years.

Off to Lake Waconia we went.

The boat is a beaut.  Twenty-eight foot, single masted sail boat - one of the finest on the water.  We sat on her for a while as the 35 mile per hour winds coursed around us.

“This is great!” I yelled over the roar of the wind and the top of my beer.

“Arrgh!  Call me Cap’n Todd!”  He shouted.

We discussed work, politics, the economy.

“Arrgh! Lets rush the shore and see if we can dig up some grub and wild women”  Said Cap’n Todd.

“Since we haven’t left the slip yet, how about we just walk up the dock to the marina and hit Lola’s bar and resturant.”

“Arrgh!” Said Cap’n Todd in argreement.

A good lamb bratwurst and a little cole slaw later (”Arrgh, pirates don’t eat with silverware” Todd said as he stuck his fingers into the shocked cabbage dish.) We were back on the boat.

The wind was still whistling at about thirty to forty miles an hour.

“Arrgh! A good stiff breeze for a cap’n of the sea!” Cried Cap’n Todd.

“Is it safe?”  I asked?

“Shut ye trap ye scurvy dog or I’ll keel haul ya.”  Stated Cap’n Todd.

We pushed out of the slip and into the open sea..er…lake.

“Now is when you work for ye rum.” Cried Cap’n

Todd.  “Stand by as I put this thing down under the boat.”

“The keel?”  I said.

“Arrgh.”  Said Cap’n Todd.

“Grab the line and haul like y have never hauled before.” Said Capn’t Todd.

“It seems stuck.” I said.

“Pull harder or I’ll make ye walk the plank.” Stated Cap’n Todd.

I pulled.  I looked up.

“What is that line that is still wrapped around the sail up there?” I asked.

“Arggh.” Said Todd.

Then at the exact some time, the rudder came loose and we managed to hit the good three foot waves at exactly the same time.

“Come down here and fix the rudder, I’ll try to free the top sail and try to secure it.” Says I.

“Arrgh”  Said Cap’n Todd.

As he climbed down from topside, I went up.

He fixed the rudder as I grabbed an eight foot pole and stood on the rolling ship trying to free the cords that had the sail half up and half down.

That is when Cap’n Todd turned sideways into the wind.

As the ship lurched sideways I grabbed the cross mast as my backend touched the water.  My eyes glared at Cap’n Todd.

“Arggh.” He said, smelling mutiny.

For the next fifteen minutes, on top of the fore cabin, I spent wrestling the sails and the rolling sea…er…lake.

Finally, the sail secure, I came down to the safety of the aft deck.

“Well that wasn’t too bad.”  Said Cap’n Todd.

I glared.

He cranked the outboard motor and pointed the ship in the direction of home.

I tried to cheer the captian up.

“Tis a fine day to sailing fer sure.” Says I.

“Tis a bit breezy, but oh the smell of the wind and spray of the sea is refreshing.” Says I.

Cap’n Todd just stared ahead, one had on the wheel, one hand on the throttle of the nine horse powered outboard motor.

We came into port and took a quick left turn heading straight into the berth.  Heading straight into the berth, very, very fast.

“Cap’n, you may want to put the old girl into reverse.” Says I.

Todd taps the throttle into reverse.

“FOR GOODNESS SAKES MAN THROW HER INTO REVERSE!” I calmly shouted as the poor people on the dock braced themselves as we appeared to be going at ramming speed with the wind directly on our backs and the little motor, while at full reverse, doing nothing but taunting the angry waves.

The people on dock grabbed the sides of the boat.  I grabbed the poles along side of the boat.

Thank goodness the dock was there too stop us.

Too bad it stopped us so fast.

“Bit o’wind today.”  Said the man that helped us guide us in.

“Yep.”  Said Cap’n Todd.

We tied her down into the slip, no major damage done except a little cosmetic when I almost fell into the drink and damaged the compass covering.

We sat drinking our water.

After several minutes Cap’n Todd says, “I may need a little more practice before I take her out in a wind like this again.”

“Arggh.” Says I.

(For the record, there is some artistic liscence taken with the above story.  I enjoyed the brush with dea…er…the day on the boat.  Thanks to Todd for the warm invitation.  Will drink a beer at Lola’s anytime and get on his fine boat…in calm seas…)

St. Louis Park, MN - A local Minnesota man has successfully returned after an arduous ten day trip that took him 1700 miles across Minnesota, North Dakota, into Montana and back to the Minneapolis area (with one brief excusion into Canada).

“The trip was pretty good.  It was mainly about family and friends.”  Stated the traveler.  “It was a good time to get caught up as most of my friends have families and I haven’t seen them in some time.  Plus, we wanted to show our support for the American brewing industry.  We wanted to give them ALOT of support.”

Sources indicate that the first two days (June 25th and 26th) were relatively tame.  Visiting with his older brother and some family friends, only one beer and one margarita were consumed.

But then came somewhat of a marathon session of parties, picnics, and outings.

A picnic with four fraternity brothers and their families on Friday night, June 27th in the Fargo area, a party with six fraternity brothers and their familty in the Kindred area on Saturday, and boating the Missouri River in Bismarck with other bachelor friends were the high water mark for mass demonstrations of support for the brewery industry.

The balance of the trip was marked with more road time and more quiet gatherings with friends and family.

“My old liver ain’t quite what she used to be.”  Said the vacationaire with a hint of sadness in his voice.

In a surprising action last week, dispite repeated denials that he would visit Canada, a vacationing Minnesota man did in fact cross the border in a clandestined strike meant to strike terror and fear among the three other people in the general area.

“It would have been fine eh.  Except he told this joke see, and we are still kind of discussing here along the other border communities.  I mean, was he making fun of Canada or North Dakota eh?” stated one confused Canadian resident.

“Yeah, vell, ve vere justing standing there and he comes up and by yimmy, he crosses that border just a lickety split which is no big deal ya see, but then he tells this joke, and at first we laugh…but den, ve tink, hay, could he be making fun of us?” Stated a North Dakotan also present on the site.

The event took place at the International Peace Gardens, about 45 miles north of Rugby, ND which is the geographical center of North America and also known more commonly as the middle of nowhere.

The offending joke was about a Scandiavian immigrant who was plowing his field when the international surveying team was crossing through the area, upon quizing the survey team and finding he was inside North Dakota by a whopping 100 feet exclaims, “Whew, good thing, I’ve heard those Canadian winters are really something.”

“If this was a crack against Canadian cold winters, we stand appalled as a nation,” Stated a Canadian spokesperson as she stood warming herself by a fire.  “I mean, we are one of the warmest countries at this lattitude.”

“How could this happen?” Cried one Canadian resident.  “They said they would be on gaurd for thee!”

“Thee, not thou.” was the response of one Canadian official. 

The Scandinavian Society of North Dakota is silent on the issue at the moment.  They are still trying to decipher the meaning of the joke.

Man Prepares to Invade Canada

St. Louis Park, MN - Mission control was relatively quiet today as the final preparations are being made for a local man’s vacation.  In what may actually be the start of a real vacation, the Minneapolis traveler was within twenty-four hours of departure and so far, all systems are go.

“Work is fine.  The house is fine.  I still need to get my desk cleaned, take care of a few customers, pack my bags, buy gifts, warn a few people I’m planning on dropping in on, work with the person filling in, finish the retaining wall in front of my house, clean my house, buy some food for the picnic Friday night, pack the cooler, back my bag of gifts, lock up the house, stop the mail, pay some bills, pick out some books, call my sister, mail some letters, call my brothers, call my dad, get a hotel reservation for Monday night, buy a map, cover my grill, plan my route, pick out an official traveling song, get an oil change, eat three meals, and down a bottle of tequila.”  Stated the weary potential traveler.

Planners at Mission Control in St. Louis Park and planners in Fargo were concerned about some potential delays in lift off as the man’s replacement called in sick today and was unable to cross train.

“I certianly hope that my friend and collegue is doing fine and this is nothing serious.”  Stated the potential vacationeer with a dazed look in his eyes and a slight droop to his shoulders.

Experts believe that the vacation will happen.

“Quite frankly, the window is closing” cited professional scheduler Scott Zigfied.  “If we fail to get lift off witin the next forty-eight to seventy-two hours, the chance of this vacation happening before the fourth of July deminishes rapidly, then you are looking at a late July or potentially even August lift off.  Quite frankly, we don’t know if we can allow the pressure to build until that time.”

People are watching, and waiting, and hoping for the best.

The clock continues to tick and experts are predicting that a Minnesota commodity will get his vacation.

 ”The fourth time is the charm, I’m convinced of it” Stated the Minnesota man.  “Last time, I didn’t say I was going to take vacation come heck or high water.   Then the flood hit Iowa and everything got crazy.  So this time, I’m going on record, I’m going on vacation come heck or high water.”

Vegas odds makers are not so optimistic.  Les Brown, a reputable odds maker stated, “Look, with most people, when they say they are taking a vacation, they just take it.  You reschedule it twice, the odds of it happening drop…you really have to wonder about time number four.  For the third time, odds were about 75% versus the first scheduling of about 95%.  For the fourth time, odds drop to about 60%.  Its like a horse - he sires a foal, the odds are pretty good, you got four mares with no foals, the boy may be shooting blanks.  Well, as far as vacations, this boys shooting blanks so far.

North Dakota officials are wary, but cautiously optimistic. 

“Yeah, vell, ve tink it vould be a pretty darn good ting if this guy made it.  I mean, vell, it is kinda a make or bveak ting for our tourist season, either we get the tourist or ve don’t.  But hey, vat can ya do.”  Stated Ole “Ole” Olson, Scandinavian spokesperson for the North Dakota Office of Tourism.

Meanwhile, while no trip to Canada is planned, the Canadian border patrol said that they would continue to stand on gaurd for thee.

I’m postponing my vacation.

But I’d like to put it in perspective.

I feel bad about postponing it 10 days.  I’m tired.  I need a little R and R.

The poor people in Iowa need a little R and R too.

The poor people in Iowa need a little comfort.

The poor people in Iowa, who have lost their homes, their livelihoods, their memories and momento’s, need a little peace.

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.

June 13, 2008

St. Louis Park, MN - Negotiations are continuing well into the night after a last minute flaw in schedules today lead to a potential postponement of a Minnesota man’s vacation plans.

“It was a simple oversight.  My back up had a work conference this coming week and we never double checked the schedules.  Really should have been something that I double checked.”  Stated the man whose vacation plans are in doubt.

Negotiations are continuing well into the night as the partisan’s try to settle the differences.

“We have no problem with him taking vacation, and we are sure that nothing will go wrong that would cause us to call him on his phone.” Stated the pro vacation side as ominous music played in the background

“Lets see, enjoy vacation…not enjoy vacation…enjoy vacation…not enjoy vacation…” Stated the proponents of postponing the vacation 10 days.

In the end, it is believed that commonsense will prevail.

“As long as I get my vacation, that is the important thing” stated the man in question as he gnawed on a cheeseburger in a local resturant.

“As long as I get my vacation…soon…that is the important thing” stated the man in question.

A clearly visibly shaken spokes person for the state of North Dakota released this statement:

“While we respect the rights of this anonymous traveler, we are a little disappointed ya know, I mean, uffda, ve vere really kinda looking forward to the bugger crossing dat border.  But hey, vat can ya do.”

A spokesman for National Geographic said that a recent article that displayed North Dakota as a barren wasteland unsuitable for human habitation, while potentially true, was not to blame to for this postponement.

June 12, 2008

Caracas, Venezuela - As the world continues to investigate high prices for petroleum, including potential tampering by oil rich nations, Iran and Venezuela has condemn the United States, and has taken the unusual step of both condemning and supporting a man planning on taking a vacation next week.

The Minnesota man is planning a vacation that will take him as far west as Miles City, Montana.  Most people, especially the state of North Dakota, are supporting his trip.

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez released the following statement:

“We condemn the materialistic, capitalist dogs in America who refuse to give us money to spread our socialistic, inefficient economic society around the globe with aid.  We also condemn the commodity trading scum who is planning on traveling through Minnesota and throughout North Dakota next week, even though we support this effort and wish him the best of luck in his travels on $5 gasoline.  May he die a thousands deaths and travel safely.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was even more blunt in their assessment of the situation:

“We condemn this American who is planning his vacation.  We condemn his country and all it stands for.  We condemn the way of life that they live.  We condemn that society that lives on freedom and hope.  We condemn everything that we don’t believe is true.  But we wish to thank the infidel for willingly driving the 500 miles one way and wish him a Dairy Queen may great him at his destination.”

Diplomatic tensions, while tense, should not interfere with the mans planned vacation.  The only exception being Canada which was less then happy by the news that the man would not be crossing the border.

“We got everything they got in North Dakota eh.  Flat land eh? Check eh.  Farms eh? Check eh.  Red River Valley eh?  Check eh.  Oh sure eh, we don’t got some of the sites, but its not so bad eh.  We got putain and toques.  Plus our moneys more colorful eh.  North Dakota ain’t even got no colorful money eh.”  Stated the Canadian consulate.

The official reply from the soon to be vacationing was equally clear:  “As our dear friends to the north would say, take off you hosers.”

June 11, 2008

Minneapolis, MN - As a local man prepares for his trip northwest through Minnesota and across North Dakota, composers, musicians, and fans are lobbying for their creation, or at least favorite travel song to be listed as his “vacation theme song.”

“Some of the songs are quite obvious,” Stated the traveler. “On the Road Again, Ramblin Man, Roll on Down the Road, Lonesome Road Blues, Everyday Is a Winding Road - they are all classics.  Creedence Clearwater Revival, Willy Nelson, Sheryl Crow, Allman Brothers - they are classics too.”

Minnesota Native and folk singer Bob Dylan has as many as 21 songs in the running and rumors abound that he is composing at least five more to be considered in contention before Friday.

The songs range from the very new by such artists such as 3 Doors Down and Miranda Lambert to the classics by Led Zeppelin and Roger Miller.

“Its a tough decision, really,” stated the traveler.  “Though offering to mow my yard or clean my gutters is nice - throwing rocks at my windows at 3 o’clock in the morning is unacceptable - and I may or may not be directing my comments towards specific bands (Foghat, Rolling Stones).”

But luckily there is help.  The Federal Highway Administration keeps a full list of all “Road Songs” on record to help travelers.  Located online at: http://www.fhwa.dot.gov/infrastructure/roadsong.htm to ensure that all songwriters and musical acts get a fair shake in the competitive world of vacation songs.

In the end, who is leading?  Rumor has it Dierks Bentley’s song “Free and Easy Down the Road I Go” and the Beach Boys Classic “I Get Around” are in top contention.

“Though I’ve only made it through the ‘B’ section” stated the travelor.

June 10, 2008

Fargo, ND - With relatively short notice, a single man from Minnesota has announced his plans to spend a “singificant amount of his week long vacation” in the state of North Dakota.  State tourism officials were shocked, but excited by the news.

“Well, ya, sure we think it is a a pretty good thing ya know.  We only wish the bugger would have given us a little more notice.  Not that we are complaining or anything.  He will still get a darn good hotdish, but maybe not the lutefisk.  Just not in season.  But the guys only giving us a week ya know.” stated state tourism spokes Scandinavian, Ole “Ole” Olson.

The anoymous visitor is planning on visiting college friends throughout the state and take in some of the historic sites and culture.

“Most people don’t realize the fantastic cultural and historic sites that the state has to offer.  Fort Abercrombie, Fort Abraham Lincoln, The Enchanted Highway, The many oversized animals - from New Salem Sue to the Jamestown Bison.  The many Lewis and Clark sites, the beautiful Missouri River, the wide open spaces, Teddy Roosevelt National Park - it is a great state.  And not too crowded.” Stated the expected tourist.

“Yeah, that sums it up.” Stated one tourism official.

The state is rolling out the red carpet, literally, on Interstate I-94.  “Oh sure, we are a little concerned that this massive influx of tourist could do some damage to our state highway system, especially since we are the only state that is losing paved roads every year, but we firmly believe that the excess one vehicle will not do excess damage to our roads and bridges.  Or the the literal red carpet that we roll out when our spotters notice his car coming from the Minnesota border.” Stated a state transporation official