(Tom Jirik wrote columns in several newspapers in Iowa from the late 1980’s to the mid 1990’s.  This column originally appeared in the The Boone Today) 

My brother is a moron.

John is five years younger that I am and lives in Rochester, Minn.  We gave him a ride home to northern Minnesota to celebrate an early Christmas with the rest of our family.  Mary and I saw this trip as an opportunity for our family to celebrate a special holiday together.  John saw it as an opportunity to win big at Minnesota’s newest set of slot machines.

Minnesota, as you probably know, allows its native American population to operate casinos in the state.  Our home town, Mahnomen, is home to the state’s newest casino, The Shooting Star.

As veterans of Iowa’s riverboat casinos, we lectured John on his futile plans of winning big.  “It’s hopeless,” we told him.  “On the riverboats you can at least watch the scenery.  You can’t do that at the Shooting Star.”

My parents, being the responsible parents that they are, also lectured him.  “It’s a waste of your money.” They said.  “You have things to do with your hard-earned cash.”

Even Grandma got into the act.  She laughed the way Grandmas do when they disapprove and then scolded him, “You don’t want to go in there.”

Does John listen to us?  Does he heed the wisdom of his elders?  Does common sense dissuade him from feeding his hard-earned cash to an evil, one-armed bandit?

Nope.

The bum walked into the casino, dropped three quarters into a slot machine, pulled the lever and cash came pouring out the bottom.  That pretty much described his luck for the rest of the evening.  With that meager investment, he parlayed his winnings into $300.

At 3 a.m. He came home bouncing off the walls.  He woke my other brother from the depths of slumber to flash his wallet in his face.  “Ever seen this much money before?”  He asked.  The next morning he told his tale to all who would listen-especially those of us who warned him not to gamble.  “I guess I’ll have a Merry Christmas,” he said with a grin.

What a moron.