I need to get my affairs in order.  I need to prepare a will.  It’s time to say goodbye.  If the doctor’s are right, I’m practically a goner already.

The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine recently announced that mild is bad for you.  One of the group’s prominent member’s, Frank Oski, director of pediatrics at John Hopkins University School of Medicine said Tuesday that “We should all stop drinking milk today, this afternoon.”  He noted that cow’s milk is “for calves.  It was not designed for humans.”

If that’s so, I must have one foot in the grave already.

I’ve grown up on cows’ milk.  I drank the stuff straight from the cow, too.  None of that mamby-pamby pasteurization and homogenization for me.  That was real milk, not the skim or 2 percent stuff most of us are used to.  The milk we drank as kids continue nearly 4 percent butterfat.  It was thick and rich and creamy.

With 30 cows and a couple of hundreds gallons always readily available on the farm, we never worried much about limiting our intake.  We drank milk by the bucketful and then came back for more.

Who knew we were poisoning our bodies and destroying our health?

Even today, I’m a milkaholic. Milk’s usually the first thing I drink in the morning and usually the last thing I drink at night.   My favorite way to top off a night of beer-drinking?  A tall glass of milk and a big bowl of chili.

Now doctors tell us milk’s unhealthy, even dangerous.  Say it ain’t so.

Is this the end of milk’s wholesome image?  What drink could possibly replace milk?  Will television ads soon proclaim, “Milk, it does a body …bad?”

The American Medical Association in not convinced of milks’ danger,  “There is absolutely no scientific proof to support the claim that milk is dangerous,” the AMA said.  I hope the doctors are right.

Still, the milk-white image of milk has been stained.  Is this the beginning of the end for milk?  Will we eventually see a ban on milk sales?

Imagine how terrible it would be. Cheerios or Rice Krispies without milk?  Unthinkable!  No more milk and cookies?  A tragedy!  No more milkshakes?  How awful!

I can’t think about it anymore.  It’s to depressing.  I think I’ll just sneak down to the refrigerator and drown my sorrows in a tall cool one.

And if I die as a result of my obsession, do not weep for me.  Cry only for those who have never know the joy of dairy products.  For to weep for me, would be to only cry over spilt milk.

(Editor’s note:  Tome Jirik’s original comments were far more extensive than those that appear here.  However, we were forced to edit them because he milked this topic for more than it was worth.)