(Tom Jirik wrote columns in several newspapers in Iowa from the late 1980’s to the mid 1990’s.)

Note:  reporter Tom Jirik was so caught up in the 1988 Presidential Campaign that he has decided to throw his hat into the ring.  The views expressed here may not necessarily reflect those of this paper and its management.

Ladies and gentlemen of Kossuth County and citizens of the United States of America, today I announce the beginning of a new era for this country.  A new era of prosperity, freedom and frivolity.  Today, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

With your support, I can lead this country out of the idle eighties and into the nifty nineties.

Of course there are minor hurdles that we must clear in the race to the White House.  Repealing the portion of the Constitution that requires the president to be 35 years old is a good place to start since I am only 23.  Please write your congressman now.  I am a mature 23.

Then there is the problem of money.  I don’t have any.  But that is a small matter.  Tax-deductible contributions can be sent to the “Tom to the Top Campaign Fund,” in care of Algona Publishing, 14 E. Nebraska, Algona, Ia. 50511.

I am prepared to face the rigors of a long and humorous campaign.  I am not afraid of the American press - I am part of it.  I have practiced long and hard at letting idle promises and mindless dribble roll out of my mouth and into the ears of disenchanted masses.

My opponents say I am too young. too inexperienced, too tall.  “No, I’m not.  LBJ was taller than I am.”

So I join Mike Dukakis, Pete duPont, Dick Gephardt, George What’s –his-name and all the others in this campaign.   I say a vote for me is a vote for me.  But remember it is not a vote for them.  Most of all remember, your vote might make a difference.  Maybe.

I assure you that unlike some of my competitors, I am made of strong moral fiber.  I maintain a diet that is high in bananas, bread and bran.  It is that diet that makes me a regular guy.

The first thing I would do as president is move into the White House.  The presidential palace is tastefully decorated and it is patriotic for the president to live there.

You should note that my competitors have not said they will live in the White House.  Are we to assume they will not?  Does this mean they are unpatriotic?   What do those Commies have to hide?  Are they afraid to tell you they are unpatriotic?

The next thing I will do as president is to go to England.  I’ve always wanted to go to England!  Most candidates tell you what they want to do and never do it.  With your vote, I can go to England!  Tom Jirik is a man who keeps his promises.

Social programs in the United States need a complete overhaul.  Whatever happened to good old fashioned box socials and ice cream socials?  There ought to be an ice cream social in every county-seat town every Sunday afternoon - no exceptions.  That’s what I call social security. {Applause would be appropriate here.}

The current administration is stuck in a mire of failed programs.  To quote the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, “It’s not right.”  Roosevelt said that after he tasted a cup of coffee with too much sugar in it, but that’s not important.

I plan to appoint Yoda as Secretary of Defense.  That reinforces my stand on Star Wars.  If I get the chance, I will appoint Judge Wapner to the Supreme Court.  The highest court in the land needs to have somebody who can cope with the electronic media.

Thank you and remember to vote.