(Tom Jirik wrote columns in several newspapers in Iowa from the late 1980’s to the mid 1990’s.  This column originally appeared in the The Boone Today) 

Upon reading last week’s column, my wife said,” You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

In last week’s column, I wrote about all those crazy names that designers, artists and marketing specialists have come up with for colors and patterns.  We covered colors like “wild strawberry,” “brick red,” dandelion,” “vivid tangerine,” and host of others.  I also touched on carpet and fabric patterns like “monk marble,” “mystery pacific,” and “round-up red.”

I thought those were pretty wild, but Mary told me that those hues and patterns were just the tip of the iceberg.  I challenged her to track down more unlikely names for colors and patterns.

Her list started off more like a menu than a list of colors.  She began with a splash of mauve called “raspberry wine.”  Then she served up a brown called “toffee swirl.”  Next she spiced things up with “cinnamon glaze,” and “ginger gold.”  One of her favorite entrees was a pink we mentioned last week called “salmon.”  Then, to cleanse the palate, she brought out a red called “”raspberry sorbet.”

As if those colors weren’t rich enough for my taste, she brought out a brown color called “mocha torte.”  Also mentioned last week was a perfect after-dinner treat, a green and white fabric pattern called “North Star mint.”

By that time, I was so hungry, I had to take a snack break before we covered “lemon peel,” “nutmeg brown.” “peach frost,” “grape nectar” and  “wild plum.”  I guess you could say colors and patterns like that are a real feast for the eyes.

But designers and marketers haven’t forgotten the powerful sense of smell.  “Swiss pine” is actually a shade of green not just the odor wafting down the slopes of the Alps.  “Old spice” may remind you of ships and the sea and the way your father smells, but it also a shade of brown.  “Canyon Charcoal” may make you think of hamburgers cooking on an open flame, but it’s actually a nice gray color too.

And with spring coming, you may want to give your house a nice coat of “lavender sachet,” “lilac blossom,” “tropic surf,” or “purple pansy.”

You’ll notice that all of those names have a nice ring to them.  I wonder what the list of rejects looks like?  Was there a shade of green called “refrigerator mold?”  What about a blackish-brown color called “burnt-burger?”  Perhaps there should be a gray called “gutter slush.”  Will we ever see a carpet pattern called “five o’clock shadow,” “driveway ruts,” 9rn “compost pile?”  What color would “tuna helper ” be?”

And thinking about that makes me believe we should just be happy with “lilac blossom.”